One of the worst times to suffer from depression is when you know you’re supposed to be having fun; when you know that at another time, on another day, you would have had fun.
There’s a knowledge in the back of your head that you should be enjoying yourself, you even imagine all the ways you could have fun and how you might be acting if you felt better. But it’s trapped inside you. It doesn’t matter if it’s something you had looked forward to, an event you had planned and planned. It doesn’t matter that you had high expectations, that you had actually been optimistic about before. You can’t even force yourself to take part in what you might have one day enjoyed. Yesterday, or last week, or next week; you would have loved this, you would have laughed with your friends and taken pictures and smiled. But not today, today’s a dark day.
So instead, you trundle on with your head down. You’re quiet and brooding, surrounded by the possibility for so much happiness that you can’t touch. People think you’re moody and miserable, they think you’re being stubborn. They suggest they all just go home if you’re not enjoying yourself. But that suggestion is a knife in your gut. It’s confirmation that you’re inability to have fun brings everyone else down, that your presence is bringing the party down, that they would rather go home than spend another minute looking at your miserable face. You can’t express to them the struggle it can be to have fun, the struggle it is to keep standing amongst their happiness whilst wondering if you will ever feel that way again.
It’s the heart-breaking realisation that you can’t control your emotions and your depression can strike at even the best of times. At times you can’t even force the smile, any pretence of happiness that just feels fake.
You’re angry and sad and scared and you feel sick with it all. Because you’ve wasted another day being miserable. You’ve wasted another opportunity to have fun. You’ve let depression take away your enjoyment and tarnish what should have been a happy memory.
Quote by Sabrina Benaim
BeccaEllenWrites 